Shifty shades of Dave

Believe it or not, I can count the number of women I have kissed in my lifetime on the fingers of one hand. Let me unveil one of those “lucky” ladies to you in today’s blog, shifty shades of Dave.

Several years ago, I accepted an invitation to a party. I had been reliably informed that some exceptional eye candy would be present. As such, I decided it would be rude of me not to attend! Myself and a good friend of mine made our way across London in search of allure.  As it happened there were indeed a number of very attractive women prowling the purlieu. Maybe the friend who I’d attended the party with disagreed, he decided to leave early!

Throughout the evening I had been chatting to one particular South American girl. She had soft bronze skin, was extremely pretty, and was gifted with wit and intelligence, you get the idea!

The conversation was going well. I was pulling out some of my best one liners and laying on my inimitable charm as thick as possible. Soon after midnight, I noticed that other than myself and this girl, every other person at the party had found their way into the garden, which left myself and this solitary Brazilian beauty alone. Something was clearly developing in the air between us, and within a matter of moments a transition had occurred, my prospect had stepped notably closer to me. She had delicately pressed her body up against mine and I could feel her gently edging me back against the kitchen cabinet behind me. Surrounded by an audience of vol au vents and mini sausage rolls, the inevitable eventually occurred, we both moved in for the kiss. I had worked hard to make this happen, and I now gave myself permission to find comfort in a woman who was clearly swimming in a different part of the gene pool to me!

After twenty minutes of saliva exchange, this beach bodied goddess eventually went to the rest room with her friend to freshen up. Almost as soon as she did so, I was approached by several random guys, who had trickled into the kitchen from the garden while this kiss had been taking place. One by one these men came over to me, firmly shaking me by the hand, and congratulating me on my achievements! For some reason, in that moment, I didn’t feel a sense of achievement, all I had was a deep empty feeling, a sense of regret and sorrow. I had a feeling that this cheeky encounter had been a bad idea.

We left the party arm in arm and walked towards the main road. It seemed like the right thing to do was to ensure that my “friend” had safely boarded a night bus home. As we walked, I could sense that there was an expectation on me to at least ask for her phone number. A very awkward atmosphere developed as I avoided that conversation completely. The “phone number veto” was not received well, I could see she was insulted… The reality was I didn’t even remember her name.

What more did this beautiful stranger expect? How else were events going to play out in her mind? Was it going to end in a “happily ever after”? Not likely in circumstances such as these. For me, groping in a darkened room with a random stranger had been exhilarating enough in the moment, but had ultimately fuelled the corruption of my heart.

Asking for a phone number would have been nothing more than obligatory, a mark of etiquette that would never have been followed through. It would have been difficult to fabricate my interest in anything other than “a quickie!” I had gained a proverbial notch on the bed post and I would now be leaving the premises, thank you very much…

The truth is, somehow I knew that it would be toxic for me to pursue this connection any further. I watched as she boarded the bus. She didn’t look back, her face like flint, fixed straight ahead. But I could tell that the events of that night and my subsequent rejection of her had been damaging.

A passionate indulgent moment had the power to inject guilt and temporary self-loathing through my veins, and shame and disrespect into hers.

Am I a prude? You may think so, but at that point I was far from prudish! I was on a progressive journey into compromise, and I was dripping with conflict. As I meditated on the events of that evening, I both loved and hated it.

As you know, I am now in a distinctly different place. Conflict has been confronted with contentment. Though many feel it extremism, I believe God has made it clear that he does not see participation in intimacy outside of marital covenant as helpful. For me, a modern version of monastic life has come into bloom. I’m in a relationship… with Jesus.

The morning after the night before, I made my way to church, bible under-arm, equipped with my best “spiritual face” which during that season of my life typically resembled a cross between constipation and euphoria! I cosied up in a pew next to my friend, we’ll call her Jen.

“Hi Jen how are you today?”

“I’m fine thanks Dave how about youuwhattts that on your neck Dave?”

“What’s what on my neck?”

“That mark on your neck, Dave is that a hickey?”

“A hickey?”

“Yeh, a love bite, a slag tag, a hickey, Dave have you been kissing someone? Do tell!”

“Kissing!? Me?! No, its just errrr a shaving rash, I have very sensitive skin… Excuse me, I just need the bathroom”

A quick trip to the bathroom revealed that she was right, not one but two red marks dramatically labelled my neck, this was not a good look, especially just before holy communion! Fortunately my protests were enough to put my friend of the scent, suffice to say, I was mortified that Id been caught in the act!

In the Old Testament, the bible says the following:

 Jeremiah 17:9

“The heart is deceitful above all things, and it is desperately sick: who can know it?”

“Aint that the truth!” I have a sick heart… In the cold light of day, I can acknowledge the certainty of that. With God’s help I have dealt with my demons.

The intentional pursuit of selfishness and other poor decisions, take their toll on the human heart. We have learned to live with heart pain. We’ve become acclimatised to it. The truth is we need a spiritual cardiology referral  As for me, I needed a biopsy, maybe even a bypass? Something needed to change, and when you read my book, you will find out that something did, and it could not have happened in more dramatic circumstances.

My conviction is that the next kiss I share with someone will be on the occasion of my wedding day if such a day is ever to occur… If not, I’m alright with that, me and God are honestly doing just fine!